Life Recovery
by G. Neil Armstrong
Step One - Powerless and Unmanageable Pt. 2
Powerless and Unmanageable
Step One is all about identity. It is all about recognizing that we are no longer functioning correctly, and even knowing what is directly responsible for that. What I mean is, some things are obvious, yet we still sometimes deny the obvious. In my most recent journal for Step One, I began to look closer at my life, to see what is amiss. I took a general approach because I didn't have any idea where I should begin. I began with Step One because it was the most obvious choice, and then I began to understand that I never had actually completed Step One before. I mean, just as I had said previously, its easy to say I am powerless over this and that, and that my life had become unmanageable. Do I really know what is so unmanageable about it? What continues to go wrong?
Earlier, I said that we can even know what is directly responsible for the dysfunctions and things that are no longer manageable. I need to say that today is not a product of today. Today is a product of the accumulated total of all our yesterdays... not even just your yesterday! When we come to a place where we are admitting our dysfunctions, as a direct result of our addictions or whatever else that causes the dysfunctions, it is important to pursue the point of origin and make sure it is not still producing all this dysfunction. Let me break that down some. I have used marijuana very recently. I believe that marijuana is causing my finances to become unmanageable. However, I am NOT powerless over it (or under it). I know this because even though there is a struggle when it is gone, I can still function and leave it where it is at. The point of this isn't the marijuana or its use. The point is, something earlier prompted me to use marijuana in the first place.
Either I was trying to gain the favor of my friends, or I felt I needed the sedative for whatever reason. The first use may have even been purely for fun... nothing more. However, I could have only known it was fun if someone had told me, or if I had seem people having fun while intoxicated by marijuana. Another thing too, I must have thought I wasn't having enough fun and simply wanted even more fun. Even if this is accurate, it is still just an example. I don't want to limit the understanding to just this one thing. This is true in all cases where we explore the "new to us" things. Sea-faring Captains explore the seas to find new and exciting things. It is not unhealthy to think there is more or better, somewhere. It is unhealthy to use more effort to acquire or obtain a goal than its reward. I cannot steal something if I don't have money. I either need to leave it or earn purchase power to obtain that thing I want.
Marijuana is sneaky. It's not as obvious as sexual addiction. I know I can continue my life without any more use of marijuana. I know I can go TODAY without it, for sure. Can I go today or the rest of my life without sexual orgasm? That is not so easily answered, but it does clarify the difference between powerless and unmanageable. I'm not powerless over marijuana, but there are things that have become unmanageable because of it... like my buying power, i.e. MONEY! Even if I cultivated and harvested my own marijuana, it would still cost me brain potential.
Separate from all that, I love the Lord, Jesus with all of my soul, mind, body and strength. Isn't being intoxicated contradictory to my very heart and soul? The Lord wants me to be of a sober and sound mind. I have known from a very early age that I am a minister of the Lord. The Word tells me that I cannot behave badly to cause others to follow unsavory behavior... that could only bring "less" instead of "more". Nobody can love God while destroying the veins of abundance. The life force pumps in the veins of abundance. Drugs clog those arteries so that they need to be operated on. At birth, I didn't know what was good and what wasn't. I trusted my parents completely to nourish me and lead me into maturity. I had to trust them. I didn't have any means the contrary. What could I do, cry them to death? They didn't heed. I have matured and did not die.
Today, all things are lawful to me, but not all things are expedient. I did partake of porn again today. I did partake of marijuana today. I will not stop trying to be free of these. I will examine them daily and record the progress right here, in Jesus' name.
Tuesday, June 26th, 2012 - 6:00am
Take A Step!
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