Life Recovery
by G. Neil Armstrong
Step One - Powerless and Unmanageable
Powerless and Unmanageable
Step One challenges me to admit that I am powerless over addictive and dysfunctional behaviors. It's easy to say those words, and for some it is also convincing. Sometimes we can even convince ourselves that we had taken that first step. Have I taken that first step? Had I actually come to a place where I can truly admit that I am powerless over this sin and that my life had become unmanageable? I think to dig deep within me and to "die out to this sin" as Paul had done, daily. I think to list each sin, and try to remember as far back as I can to a time when I had first committed this sin in the past. For now, I won't try directly to understand and overcome this powerful sin. Instead, I hope to trace it back to it's origin. This effort isn't to skip any steps at all. I hope to be very thorough in my soul search. To identify the sin, and where it might have began. This way, I might find sin that I had not known was there, and hopefully I will have applied this first step genuinely and thoroughly.
Some of the sin I allowed to take over my life are as follows:
I desire sexual encounters with women. I partake of pornography. I think inappropriate thoughts when I see a beautiful woman. I like them to be very petite and even young, if possible. I know that I will never cross the legal boundaries with a woman. I believe this to be true because I still have a genuine care and concern for people in general. I know how damaging premature sexual encounters can be on a person's life, especially if the minor in question looks up to the adult in a role model sort of way. This sort of damage can take on many forms over the years, even if it is addressed and dealt with. The girl will not be as mentally healthy as she should be, and could be. For this, and many other reasons, I will never approach a girl who is under the age of eighteen.
As I had grown up I had gained some control over this desire. However, the control I think I have is not control at all, I think. Even though I can now say no to a woman even if I strongly desire her, I still find too much freedom when I partake of pornography, and when I do my private thinking. Even though I will never approach a girl under eighteen, I admit that most of my porn time had been girls who look like they are under eighteen. According to the Bible, and as it does bear witness with my spirit, I know I have committed this sin, even though I had not involved another person in it. In a sense, I actually had involved other people in this sin. Thinking about it, I have made purchases to this effect, and inadvertently rewarded the store in the sales. To put it another way, I put food on the table of the person who supplied this sin. Some of the other people effected by my sin are potentially healthy relationships that I had tarnished or had not been able to establish because of my sinful "secret".
I realize it might not look like I have any remorse for that which I am writing right now. I want every reader to know how much courage it takes to put this into writing, and even more challenging to publish it. I know that after this is out there on the web, it can no longer have any power over me. I had not broken the law, so why not defuse the "power" it has over me... right here and now? I need to begin somewhere and I want to do it with the same passion, or greater passion I had exerted when I indulged in this sin. Sexual desire for the forbidden. Sexual desire for the angelic, seeming flawless beauty of a fresh young woman. There, I had dug as deep as is appropriate. Next, I need to courageously trace this sin back as far as I can remember, to find its origin. I don't know if this is the way a doctor would suggest facing these things. Perhaps I should get a sponsor first? I don't think so. Somehow, I think I need to do this all by myself, at least for now... between God and I. Sure, I will still publish it. I can face that fear stoic enough.
I can remember as far back as during preschool. I think they call it Pre K now, or Head Start. Back then it was simply Preschool. For a lot of years, I believed this to be reoccurring dreams. I knew the truth, but I allowed myself to believe it was a dream. In fact, I even fantasized about this "dream" over and over again. I admit that I had even very recently. Having sexual intercourse with my sister is not something I can openly tell anyone. Even the most devout Christian had turned his back on me, after learning this shameful secret. Even though this is serious enough to work on now, I still think this sin goes back even further. I have fleeting memories of playing "House" with my other sister, and even one or both of my brothers had played along, having one or both of my sisters as the "Mom".
There is only one time I can think of now when I had caught my brother in the act of sex with one of my sisters. I don't think they were able to go all the way that day because eventually I had sex with that sister, and I think I was her first. I know she was my first, for sure. I am pretty sure I was her first, too. Do I need to remind anyone how twisted this whole thing is? In that case, I need to also remind someone that Jesus sustains me. He had delivered me from sin and death. However, I still partake of that thought and memory, and still use porn. It is very unhealthy. It is completely beyond my understanding. I know Jesus has this whole thing in His hands and will make the crooked way straight.
I know I had only mentioned one thing that I have become powerless over, and that I cannot manage, and has caused my life to become unmanageable. I cannot go on to Step Two until I have been as thorough as I possibly can with Step One. It seems to me like I will be on this Step for a while. I will not hurry, nor will I be anxious. I surrender myself to Jesus, as His blood washes me clean and pardons my sin.
Monday, June 25th, 2012 - 5:09am
Take A Step!
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