Step 8: Willingness
Making a list of those harmed before coming into recovery may sound simple. Becoming willing to actually make those amends is the difficult part.
Step 8
Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and bacame willing to make amends to them all.
Matthew 5:23, 24
23 Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee;
24 Leave thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift.
Making a list of all persons that I have harmed is significantly more than the jot of a pencil. Before I even examine the depth of willingness to make amends, I should take the time to understand the vast expanse of persons I have actually harmed. This can and will become an ongoing quest because I have not only harmed the direct victum, I have harmed a great deal of indirect victims. How can I make amends to them all? I do not know how, but I hope to be able to yield myself to a willingness to make direct amends... to them ALL.
I know for sure that with a sincere willingness to make amends, I will find ways to accomplish this honest goal. In an real sense, the greater challenge may be to soul search clearly enough to recognize ALL of the victims of my wrong doings.
I remember a time when I was very young, in one of my temper tantrums I said, " I HATE YOU, MOM!" very angrily, and with all my might. I still hurt to this day when I recall my nothers pain. She "ran away from home" that day. She walked a block or two down the street so she could cry.
I feel some of what she felt, to this very day. I am a victim of my selfish and angry behaviors. My grandpa was hurt so bad that he did whip me. He was a victim. There are victims of that tantrum that I am not even aware of. Mom was a victim. If my step dad would have been enraged, my actions could have influenced his actions and began a host of indirect victims.
The list is only easy to someone who does not look deep enough into the situation, or don't understand the scope of his actions. This is not so in my case. I ask God to reveal to me so that I can see and understand my actions and their consequences. This leads me to a valley of dried bones - an endless field of death and decay that I have sown.
God only asks that I learn to love. Love will overcome my fears as I set these skeletons free. Love will cover this multitude of sins. I thank God for hope where it seems hopeless. It is here that He carries me.
October 13, 2009
By G. Neil Armstrong
