Neil's Commentaries
Cheating On God
I fell in love. I didn't mean to. I didn't even intend to. My intrigue drew me closer and closer to my love until it was all I knew, all I could think about, all that I cared for. I fell in love. Everyday I would spend time thinking about my love, how I could please my love, how I could better myself for my love. I fell in love so deep and so pure. I wanted to know my love more thoroughly, to will myself, to harmonize my life with my love.
I felt so happy all the time, especially knowing that my love was always near, always in my heart. My life became more pure. My actions began to take on responsibility and morality was in high regard. I began to make decisions that were inspired by virtue and honesty. I only had eyes for my love. My trust was so complete, that I knew my love would not ever let me down, to disappoint me or to abandon me to wander alone in this world, lost and afraid. I fell completely in love. My love did complete me. Where I lacked, my love excelled. Where I was accomplished, my love complimented and improved upon it. I had complete and perfect harmony for the first time in my life.
My love knew all of my deepest secrets and hopes and dreams and desires. My love knew all of my shortcomings and downfalls and weaknesses. I could see my love in all things. The flowers accented my loves infinite and infallible beauty. The sunrise and sunset was only glimpses of my love, only small portions of the whole and complete beauty of my love. When I woke each morning, my love was wrapped warmly around me, securely, lovingly. I was safe. I was complete. I was in love.
I had no secret to keep. One day, I thought about that. What of my secrets? I just want one little secret that I can keep, that I can call my own. That forbidden feeling. That rush of excitement that I first felt when I fell in love. That which is just slightly out of reach. The one thing that my love could not give me. Everything I ever wanted, my love had given me... except the one thing I could never have. Infidelity.
For reasons unknown to me, I wanted more. I wanted less. My love was too good to me, too good for me. I wanted my secrets back, but I could not have them because I had already given them to the one I love, forever. Then it happened. My eye fell on something of a forbidden nature. Infidelity. I cheated on my love. I partook of the forbidden fruit. I didn't consider the guilt I would feel, and would have to life with for the rest of my life. How could I ever hide my secret with this guilt so intense? I did not stop loving my love. My love did not fade even a little bit. My love was real and I still cheated. Even after I cheated, I still fully loved my love. I felt very bad. I was afraid I would lose my love if the truth was revealed.
The guilt began to affect me so much, I would cry sometimes. My fear, my failure, my love betrayed. I felt defeated. I had to tell. I had to expose myself, my secret revealed, or I would surely die! I didn't want to lose my love. To lose my love would be worse than death, but without life I would have no hope to love again. I didn't want to die without love, all alone. Maybe my love will forgive me. Maybe I can trust my love to love me even more than I. I don't want to hurt my love. My love knows me so well, surely the symptoms of my shame and guilt can be seen, even if it's not clear. I must confess my wrong. My love will forgive me.
Should I write my confession to some post box, to some random name and address? Should I tell my love in person? Do I have the strength for such a thing? Where did I get the courage to cheat, anyway? Why did the desire to do wrong overcome the desire to do right? Oh, but to be innocent again! I am so sorry, my love. Please don't leave me. Please forgive me. Please assure me that all will be well between us and that you will never leave me alone, to die all alone. Surely I cannot ever love this way again. No love is like this love. What must I do to save our love? I wish I never had done such a wrong and deceitful thing. Please forgive me, my love. Please make it go away, as if it never were. Please comfort me and help me to forgive myself, so I won't have to die in my shame.
My love has forgiven me! After some time, I felt the full strength of the overwhelming love I once felt when I fell in love for the very first time. All I can think about is my love, how to please my love, to improve myself for my love. I want my love to be proud to be mine! I want to accomplish great things for my love. I want a family that will further express and reflect my love for my love. I want to live forever in this love.
Then it happened again. How? What is wrong with me? How could I love so completely and thoroughly and still cheat? How could I hurt the one I love this way? Surely my love knows that something is amiss. This time my affair has a name. Drugs. Nowhere to hide now. Nowhere to run to. My affair knows my name, too, even where I live! My affair tries to visit me sometimes and pretend to be someone else, like a relative or friend. My love knows better than that. My love knows ME better than that. My love knows all about me. Everything.
One day, my affair came knocking on my door when my love was away. Why was my love away? Why was I not near to my love. This thing could not happen if I would have stayed close to me love. In my weakness, my love would have been able to strengthen me, to encourage and comfort me. That could not be because I was sneaking around where I was not supposed to be. My love knows only love, so I am forgiven. Is that why I have let my love down, and again, too? Is it because I have taken my love for granted? Have I taken advantage of unconditional, unending love, insomuch that I could willingly cheat and know I would be forgiven? Is my love still pure? How could this thing be? What have I done? This could kill my love. I know it did the first time, but my love forgave me. Will I kill my love again this way?
How many more chances before my love dies forever? In my heart, I want to be pure and faithful. Somehow I have lost that dedication, even though I am certain I have not lost a single speck of love for my love. Something is wrong and I need my love to help me get it right again. I don't want to be untrue, not then and not ever again. Will my love forgive me again. Will my love help me to be faithful and love only one? Yes, my love will forgive me because it's unconditional. It's pure. It's infinite. That's one of the things I love about my love. But my love has to die for my wrong. Because my love loves me so much, my love is willing to die so that I can be forgiven, even if it happened again and again. But, what of my heart, my love for my love? I know it's true love, but how can this thing be? With all the love in my heart, how could I be so untrue, even once, but in fact MORE than once?
Some people say that it is better to have loved and lost that love than to never have loved at all. I don't think those people have experienced the kind of love that I have for my love because in my infidelity, I feel worse than death. I feel hopeless and scared. The dread, the melancholy, the disgust is unbearable. It's better to never know love than to know this kind of love and lose it. This is perfect love. I know it is because it has cast away all my fears. This love is willing to die for me so that I can live in love. I know my love will never leave me and no matter what, no matter how many times I fall short of my very best effort to love my love, I will NEVER give up on my love. I know that somehow, someway I will be well. I will have a pure heart to love no other, but my one true love. My love loves me enough that I know my love will wait for me, will be patient while I grow up and behave more responsibly. That's one of the things I love about my love. It's never ending, ever forgiving. My love died for me and would do it again and again so that I won't be unfaithful forever, and so I won't die alone and sad. I love my love. I have fallen in love yet again.
By G. Neil Armstrong
October 10, 2010 – 2:30 AM
