September - 2010
Monday, September 27, 2010
10:45 PM I have to ask myself, "when will I have time to study God's Word?" You see, I have been working some very long days at imageMEDIA. Most days I work as many as 12-14 hours. I get up promptly at 4:30 AM and I don't quit working until 7:00 PM. I don't go in until 6:30 AM, and it takes 1/2 hour to get there. So I decided to do as much as possible the evening before from now on. This should allow me some quite time in the morning, before work, to study a chapter and write about it.
Even though I read a chapter and write about it, that isn't enough. I do need to get into depth in my studies. I need to research places and people that I read about so that I can better understand the situations that I am learning. Sometimes it is good to research the meaning of the words and phrases used in the writings. At face value, the Bible can really help a person to experience a transformation in their mind, resulting in a Godly way of thinking and acting.
The Spiritual Maturity Series that Pastor Aaron has been teaching on for the past several weeks has had a very big impact on my Spiritual insight, understanding and has already produced some improvements in my life. I am so grateful for the way God helps me. He draws from every resource that I am involved in, even some things that are not directly related to my everyday business.
Before I go to bed, I want to offer you, the reader, an opportunity to listen to this entire series. You can listen to it at your own pace and leisure. You can even download it and make your own CD to listen to, or share with others. You can go to the website www.westcoastword.com and, well here, let me just make a link for you. Here is a link that will take you directly to the sermon player. Pastor Aaron and Pastor Angie Sermons. Scroll to the bottom of the page and click on the title (s) that interest you. I do encourage you to listen to all of them, as you find time. It will change your life as it is changing mine.
Sunday, September 26,2010
2:41 PM This week's focus was, "think about the way I think". Romans 13:14, Phillipians 4:8 and Romans 12:2 tie together the point that I will try to make here. All action comes from a thought. It is what we think that causes us to act the way we do. The work week was difficult for me. We were busy and I was greatly challenged. I was challenged on several levels. I needed to accomplish things in less than sufficient time. I needed to exert more effort than I had been prepared for. I needed to remain a Christian example through all of the busy work. I did not fail. I hope to accomplish this kind of thing far better in the future.
Even with the work week, and the challenges that I faced there, I had yet more challenges besides. I was strongly tempted with desires for alcohol, marijuana and crack. I am open about this as I stand firmly on 1 John 1:9. Not only will God forgive my sin, He will also cleanse me from all unrighteousness. God has cleaned up the messes that I made in the past, specifically because I confessed my sin. right now, please take a moment to read the greek definition for confess. Click on the word "confess" and come back to this spot for further reading. Hopefully you read the greek translation so that I can point out the following part of that definition: 3) to confess, i.e. to admit or declare one's self guilty of what one is accused of
It is possible for someone to do something wrong again and again, confess it again and again and remain stoic about it all the while. This is stagnate. If I admit I am guilty, it has to be true. Do I really feel guilt? Am I of a repentant heart? Will I desire more to abstain than I desire to obtain? Again, am I repentant? I am. I know I am because of the result, or fruit I bear. I got into the Word instead of getting into the world. I did not "eat the forbidden fruit". My confession began a long time ago and with practice and honest effort, I was able to withstand (Eph 6:13). I had done all that I know to do so that I can stand. Phillipians 4:8 tells us to, "think on these things". If any of our readers are from the Philippines, I hope you can appreciate these things taught to your ancestors directly from Paul.
We renew our minds (Romans 12:2) by taking control of our thoughts. Naturally, if we want our bad thoughts to be clean, we need to replace them with good thoughts. This is where the transformation takes place. Our soul is made up of our mind, our will and our emotions. Our minds are transformed by the Word of Truth, which is Jesus (John 1 and especially verse 14). We will always be able to overcome temptation if we learn what to do and practice it. This is what I was thinking about when I was able to withstand the temptations this week.
Monday, September 6, 2010
7:00 am I have been back-logging my journals. The ones that I have handwritten need to be typed and made ready for publishing to the web. I am reminded of recent bad choices I made in my mind. I didn't end up paying for or going to the Tom Petty concert; God made that crooked place straight. I didn't end up buying or smoking any marijuana, either. Thank You, God for clearing that up for me. This is not the end of the story, however.
After all God's mercy, I did eventually take drugs on two different occasions recently. The guilt still "nags" at me. I will not be condemned, but I cannot easily forget, either. I am grateful that the guilt doesn't discourage me from pressing ever forward for my soul in Jesus. Pastor Aaron talked about this very thing yesterday in church. It would be very beneficial to download that message from the web (www.westcoastword.com) and reflect on it from time to time. I am encouraged to continue forward in my walk with God. I am forgiven and I am delivered from the bondage of sin.
As I continue to review my past log entries in my journal, I can see more clearly how God is working in my life. I wrote about my concerns for Tassos and my financial future while I work with him. Only a couple of days after that entry, Tassos had a stroke and had for by-passes for his heart. I am not entirely sure what that means, but I'm sure it means he will not be ready to work for a long time. That put me in a position where I needed to find work on my own. Because I did not quit working for him, I was close when he fell ill. I was able to drive him to the hospital. I was able to offer my help for the family. I love his family. I am learning how to love the God way, without all the crooked ways that perverted such intimacy in my past.
My mind is changing now to a woman that I like in church. I have liked her for several years. In fact, I will admit now that I have loved her from the very beginning. I have never told her, but somehow, in a way only God can make possible, I think she does know that I love her. I think she also knows that God is healing my mind and she is patiently waiting for us. This might be my mind inventing a fantasy, but somehow I don't think so this time. I do see a solid and meaningful marriage is possible with this woman. I do see a healthy relationship, absent of the corruption that had deep roots in my family history. I am moved in my heart by this woman and it's totally clean and free of impurities. I don't see in myself anything that I can offer her, to make a positive difference for her life and truly that does discourage me. I feel like I need to be an asset instead of a liability. I have a suspicion that I am going to learn something valuable in this. Maybe this true love thing will also need to be sustained by faith. Maybe this is a glimpse of Gods intended way for our relationship with Him?
I don't want to analyze this so much that I drift far from the truth, so I will see as time goes on. I want to talk to David about her today. I fear that he might like her and this fear is trying to prevent me from seeking his advice and counsel. I want to talk to somebody about it, and I don't want to seek counsel with the unGodly. The Lord will guild me into all truth.
6:30 pm I have just returned home after working at David's house. I helped Miggy trim all of the trees and I cleaned the outside of the windows. David made lunch for us. The food was really good. I did enjoy spending time with a Christian friend. I was able to talk to him about the girl I like at church. The Lord led me to talk specifically to him about her and I think I understand more now. Everything is good. I feel the way I would feel if I accomplished something and talking to him about her was an accomplishment. I do think that David is a quality friend and that all is well with him.
I will not add enough information on this journal to be clear about the talk. I am tired after the day of work, but not exhausted. I am content.
Sometimes when I spend time with a person who is more developed in their Christian walk than I, it feels like I have deficiencies in my own walk. I know that this is not true because Gods grace is sufficient for me. I am contented in whatever state I am in. I mean this as truth because I remember when I didn't have contentment. I am growing in Christ and I will not surrender to any less impression or opinion of myself.
What is one persons lack is another person's accomplishment. We are each given a measure of strength to endure and God will not require of us more than we are able to accomplish. I strive to be my utmost for His highest. This means for me to try to bring Him the most glory that I can, not by effort only, but also by sincerity, by purity and by love for Him. He can only be pleased by quality. It is His own words that says that He will give the increase, the quantity. More is not always better. Little of great quality is better than much of lesser quality.
My heart is for You, oh Lord, my strength and my redeemer. Not only will You help me to retrieve all that I have lost, but You will increase that to an overflow. I will make this overflow available to those who lack the good thing. I will accomplish this by Your leading and by Your wisdom. Thank You for today, oh Lord, for You have helped me. For whatever purpose, I know it will work together for the good. I know this because I love You and I am called according to Your purpose. I pray in Jesus' name. Amen.
Pastor Aaron challenged us with a "homework assignment" yesterday. He suggested that we each think of the thing that we complain about the most and simply don't complain. We should think of the good in it and embrace the blessing. He didn't say it exactly like that. Anyone can go to www.westcoastword.com and listen to the sermon for 09/05/2010 so that the exact words can be heard. In fact, the entire message was very good, even for everyone. This particular sermon was part 7 of the Growing Up Spiritually or Maturity series (something like that). I know that I will come back to the messages from time to time so that I can glean more from its powerful illumination of God's word.
I think that the thing I am least satisfied about right now is that I have to ride a bicycle wherever I go. I don't complain about it because I do know the blessing of not having to walk where I want to go. I do get tired and I don't have the option to dress as good as I want to while I am riding the bike. The reasons are somewhat obvious. I get hot and sweaty. If I get dirty or if it rains I don't want to ruin good clothes. When I have the opportunity to drive, or if I am blessed with a ride to church I do dress better and I do feel better about it. I feel better about myself, also.
It is okay to dress according to my conditions when I am on my bike. Sometimes it rains on me and I can easily change into dry clothes. The clothes I wear are deliberately chosen for such chance occasions and it works well. The benefit of riding the bike is that I have an opportunity to keep my legs in shape while my foot is healing. I workout with gallon jugs of water for my arms, shoulders and my chest. I have limitations with what I can do for my legs, so riding the bike is a great compensation for me right now. I think it helps my foot to be able to use it, but not to overdo it as walking would certainly be. Not using my foot isn't good for the healing process, either. I just need to keep it in my boundaries and not over do it.
Wednesday, September 08, 2010
6:00 am I remember just now when Pastor Aaron thanked me for helping around the church. He shared with me some things that were said about me, that Jake complimented me for the way I thought things through and the way I handled situations. I didn't think of any specific circumstance whereas I had demonstrated this, but I did receive it as an inspiration to do, to continue to just that. These words did motive me to try hard and to do my very best for those who are helping me, for the very ones who give me employment. This motivation comes without pressure, but instead, I am inspired.
I remember that David told me that Lara and Shelia were listening to my songs on my website and had said that I have a heart of worship. I was moved by this comment. I hadn't thought of it like that. I do agree with the comment, but I felt so good to hear about it from another person. I am also grateful that people are seeing my innermost for God as they go to the website. In a very real way, the website is my "secret place". This is where I am most honest. This is where I "wear my heart on my sleeve" and expose my very soul for all to see.
As I Journey Through The Bible, I draw courage from David, in 1 Samuel 19 as Saul efforts to kill him. David bore his heart to man before God. He boldly spoke of God's mighty hand to defeat the champion of the Philistines, even Goliath. How much more can we bare our soul to man, before God, to claim victory over our giants in life? Can we face these giants? Can we speak victory for God before them, loudly, boldly, and with certainty of victory? I think we can, and I think we will feel extremely good about it, too.
Thank You, Jesus, for touching my heart. Thank You for making my crooked ways straight and my rough places plain. Thank You for all of the people who are good at heart. Thank You for giving me the ability and willingness, and the person (s) to whom I can talk with about my most delicate matters. Thank You because I can talk to them without holding any of it back, and so that they will not come against me because of it. l thank You for putting this/these people in my life and for helping me to recognize them for who they are. So many times in my past I have withheld such trust, only to lock these things away to harbor them in my heart. This thing ought not to be so. I am grateful that it isn't that way now. I am grateful to know that it don't have to be that way anymore.
It is extremely important to me that the generational curses be broken in my life and that they cannot carry on to my potential descendants. I purely hope to be made well, healed of the deep things that afflict me. I hope to have a healthy relationship, a real one. My mind is sound. My thoughts are clean. My love is real, and not a counterfeit. All this I pray in Jesus' name. Amen.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
8:30 AM I miss weed and I don’t want to miss it. I don’t want to smoke it. I don’t want to do ANY drugs. Honestly, the high at the time is wonderful, but it comes at a very high cost. Not only does it cost money, and I’d rather eat, but it causes sloth for many days afterwards. This sloth makes any kind of responsible employment or ANY kind of work a very difficult thing to motivate myself to do. In addition to sloth, the side effects include the “weed hangover” which is a nausea that feels like severe hunger, but is actually my nervous system trying to restore itself to a healthy state.
The craving that I have for weed is for only the immediate effect, but the overall result is not worth the initial euphoria. This is one reason I don’t “eat of that tree, or even touch it”. It is forbidden fruit. Another reason I won’t smoke weed is because I want to live according to all the things I learn as I Journey Through The Bible. God’s word tells me to be of a sound mind, sober and quick to stand against the fiery darts of the enemy. The wording isn’t exactly as such, and the scriptures are combined from several, but the meaning is exactly this.
Even if the only adverse cost is monetary, I still don’t want to spend money on it because I much more desire to do other things with my hard earned money, healthy things. I’d even like to go golfing sometimes, which is not at all unhealthy, but I can’t spend the money on golf right now because there are other, more important things to consider. I want to upgrade my eating habits. I want to be able to buy healthier food, and more of it. Right now I am eating hotdogs, bologna, and potpies, primarily. Only sometimes do I get the opportunity to eat a home cooked meal. The “out of the freezer and into the microwave” food has got to stop, or at least slow down; way down.
If weed was free of charge, I still don’t want that severely nauseating feeling that I get for hours the morning after. I can’t think clearly and I just want to stay in bed all day. This feeling comes on strong, so strong that I often submit to it. I did go ahead and delete all of the phone numbers that could easily connect me with a bag of weed. If fact, I done all I know to do in effort to sever all ties with ANY drug. This decision has proven effective in that when I am weak I am not strong enough to seek after it. I find it easier to simply let the desire pass on by.
So you see, I am trying hard to abstain from those things that God has shown me are “forbidden fruit”. I am trying to live a clean and healthy life. This is why I want better food.
Friday I bought a Windows 7 CD from Office Depot. The CD did cost me over $130.00 after tax and it don’t even work for my notebook. As an alternative, I downloaded Windows XP Professional from the web and that is not legal. It didn’t work, anyway. I was able to use it to remove some errors from my notebook anyway, so that’s good. I have a “portable” program for Word and Excel. Now I don’t have to install anything, which is real good because this notebook only has 4 gigs of hard drive space; not even enough to install the expensive Windows 7 that I bought and can’t return.
Anyway, as you can start to see, I can’t afford to waste money on momentary “highs” because money is tight, health is important and responsibility is essential. I think I will go to church this morning instead. That’s the right thing to do.
1:30 PM I really appreciated church today. Although I was fighting a strong urge to sleep, I was able to focus on most of the message. The worship team was strong today. I agree with Pastor that worship is strongest when we come together in church with a heart of worship. He didn’t use those words, but he meant it that way. The worship leaders make a difference when their focus is on God only and not on the effort to lead worship well. Both are important, but God is most important. If you listen to the songs I have recorded on the Tears Of Joy web maybe you will see the difference. Sometimes I am trying too hard to sound better and it has an opposite result. When my focus is on God and worshipping Him, the recording is much better.
I am expected to be at Tassos’ house today so that I can change his oil. My heart is not fully in that task because it’s Sunday and because it’s a dirty job. I will probably go anyway, but I’m not yet decided. I have been resisting an urge for a cold Bud Light. I don’t want to spend $6.00 of my money on a six pack and I don’t want to be cloudy in my head. Mostly, I don’t want to get the usual headache that happens when I drink two or more beers. I can’t even consider anything stronger because the headache is not the only side effect. I get the headache more severe and I get to feeling like I have a cold. Both Dee and Valerie are sick today and strong drink would likely weaken my immune system enough to cause me to get what they have. I don’t think I will drink anything, beer or otherwise.
I think I will record some worship because I am of a heart to worship right now. If I remember to, I will link to it from this page, but if I forget, you can go to the Tears Of Joy web and look in the New Stuff for it later.
8:00 PM I got angry with Dee this evening. First she woke me up because she wanted me to go with her to the store. I didn’t want to go and she raised her voice about it and said some sarcastic things about it. I defused the situation by getting up and going anyway. She appeared to be content about that. After we got back from the store she told me to be careful with the PC tower because she and Valerie had to re-plug in the keyboard on two different occasions. She wasn’t nice about it at all. I said okay and proceeded to sit down and do some web work. Then she really talked mean to me about smoking in the living room. This makes it more difficult for all future times because she “fired a good one” at me. This means that from now on I can’s sit in the living room for any length of time to do web work or watch TV with her, or anything that I might spend time in the living room for. I don’t want to switch to a more expensive kind of cigarette. She don’t like the smell of the kind I smoke right now. She smokes Marlboro and they are one of the most expensive kind available.
I am tempted to go and buy some cigarettes right now but two things hold me back. I don’t want to spend four or five dollars on one pack, just so I can smoke in the living room. Also, I don’t think the cigarette smoking is the real issue with her. She might just be in one of those moods today, or she might be trying to tell me that she’d really rather me not be in the living room at all, least wise on the internet. I believe she still blames me for her computer problems a couple of weeks ago, but she didn’t have any anti-virus programs installed. She told me that she didn’t need any anti-virus program and she hadn’t had any problems in so many years. I think she was just lucky and when it happened while I was using it that I was the unlucky one. Now it’s all coming down to an underlying message that she wants me to just stay away from it.
I don’t need to be on her computer because Shelah gave me a notebook. This does most of the web work that I need to do. There is only a small fraction of my work that I can’t do efficiently with this notebook because some components are missing or broken. I have been resolving these issues a little at a time, but I haven’t found all of the solutions just yet. As I troubleshoot, I find that I run out of time and spend too much time on the computer and that issue has come to the forefront of my obstacles now as this new situation arose with Dee and her demands. I try to think things through to their potential conclusions and then gravitate to the “best case scenario”, but I have some personal boundaries, too. I won’t continue to tolerate the way she speaks to me sometimes. I can hold my peace and I will, but I won’t remain in a position to be disrespected in that manner.
I will respect her wishes and smoke my brand of cigarettes only in my room while I am in the house. I will take breaks as desired and go to my room so I can smoke. I will be prepared for more issues to come up so that I am not caught unaware by the moods and by the way that she sometimes talks to me. Instead, I will try even harder to consider her wishes. I will ask myself things like, “how will Dee feel about this and that”, or “is this something I can do differently”. Still, I think it is a problem with her that I use the Internet wire at all. I want to use the Internet in my room, but it’s not available in here. Maybe she will call the company and ask about some options. I talked to her about it on several different occasions and she was agreeable to it. She said she would try to make the call this week while she is on vacation. I hope she makes the call and I hope the company makes an offer that we can all live with.
I need to go on the Internet now. Valerie is home and I don’t know if I want to be in the living room with both of them home. Even still, I don’t want to live at my own apartment yet because I am uncertain about my employment status with imageMEDIA. They never promised me a permanent job there and I don’t know where else to go right now. Living with a different family will include a host of new things that I would need to adjust to. All in all, I do think it’s best that I try to get along here and do the best I can with what I already have. Sometimes we have to let things happen and sometimes we have to make things happen. Right now I think it’s best if I just let things happen and see what happens. I can and will deal with whatever happens.
I have a lot of things I need to publish to the web as I do most of it offline. It’s getting backed up now and will take more time to upload. I ask You, Lord, to guide me and order my steps in Your word. All things will work together for the good because I love You and am called according to Your purpose. Your will be done and my will be Your will. I pray in Jesus’ name. Amen.
Okay, I went in and talked with Dee. I told her that I will leave my cigarettes in my room. I admitted that she was right, she did tell me she didn’t want me to smoke my brand of cigarettes in the living room. I asked her if I could go online and update the web and she told me that she was not thrilled about unplugging the wire from the tower a lot and the keyboard was messed up now. Valerie went out to buy a new keyboard and when she comes back she will need the Internet to do an assignment that is due by 11:00 PM. It’s late anyway, so I will do the web work some other time. Dee told me that she would call the Internet Company tomorrow and see what she can have done. God, I hope I can have my own connection back here in my room. I know that there are things on the web that tempt me, but I don’t have to yield to those temptations. The unresolved issues with this notebook block most of the ungodly sites, anyway, but there are still some sites that can be accessed. If I don’t resist these temptations, I will install Net Nanny and have David set a password for it so that I can’t access ANY of them. I hope the Net Nanny don’t restrict me from doing any of the web work that I need to do. All things are in Your hands, Lord, and I know it’s all going to be alright. I pray in Jesus’ name. Amen.
Monday, September 13, 2010
9:30 PM It’s time to write about my day again. The day, whew what a day it has been. Who’s gonna be interested in my day, anyway? I want to believe that somebody is. There aren’t many people that I can talk to about it, so why not write about it. Even if I am only talking to myself in some unusual way, I know that it will help somehow. Even when I read back to my recent past I gain insight that I didn’t necessarily have at that time.
The thing is the overall of this. God is leading my life. Sometimes, well, most of the time I make mistakes and only sometimes I notice them. The entire day was altered by I mistake I made late yesterday. I did not handle the situation well when I had the confrontation with Dee. I went to bed thinking I was in the right and I was resentful about it. I even woke up utterly resentful.
I thought that after I got busy enough that the night before would fade off and I’d simply be over it. That’s not what happened. I stayed resentful all day and I couldn’t seem to shake it off. It affected my job performance. I made more mistakes than I felt I would have made. I was even aware of it all the while, and still blaming Dee for it. In church yesterday, Pastor said that a sign of immaturity is speaking your mind all the time and thinking it’s okay. I am still so immature, even at 38 years old. It’s okay though, because at least I know it. I have hope that I will grow up some more before all of this is over. Who knows, maybe the bulk of my growing up will reflected here in this journal. Maybe somebody will stumble onto it one day and glean inspiration or hope or something. It helps me, and that’s enough.
I remember when I was growing up that I always knew I would be better if I had a counselor to talk to. I never got one and I still got better. I got better than I was then, anyway. I am not well yet, but I can see it close by. I still have issues that result in unhealthy relationships. I never had a girlfriend for a whole year. I never had the same job for a whole year. As an adult, I never had the same residence for a whole year. In this way, I have no stability. It doesn’t scare me like it did before. I know about it now and I know I will get better. I have been working at imageMEDIA for about a month now. I am starting to depend on that job, but it’s not a job yet. Nobody offered me a job. Nobody promised me a permanent position there.
The work I do there is fascinating, but it’s not permanent. I hope that God will bless those people for blessing me. I know He will… it is written. I hope that the blessing they receive will increase their workload so much that they will offer me a job with the company. They don’t know what I am capable of. I don’t even know the extent of what I am capable of. I only know that when I like something, I do my very best at it and it just keeps getting better and better. This is what I feel about imageMEDIA.
I know how to design things and produce results for a concept, I even know how to produce a concept. What I don’t always have is the time to expound on the concept. This is why I find it so important to be consistent. I will work with what I have now until such a time that what is now is something different. Even then, I will do what I can with what I have.
It’s time to go to sleep now. I have so much more to write about, but I don’t have time to write it. I have to work within the boundaries until I can expand those boundaries. I can’t increase the time allotted for one day, but I can learn to utilize time more efficiently so that I can accomplish more in less time. I think this is the idea, anyway.
Thank You, Lord, for another day in which I can learn and grow. I don’t wonder what it is all for anymore because there are just too many reasons to ponder. Solomon, in all of his wisdom, had difficulty with this one and I think I have an idea why. I do know it’s not all “vanity and vexation of spirit” as he had said again and again. The individual actions and choices that we make always affect somebody. Even our thoughts have an immediate effect on others. I ask you, God, not only for myself, but also for the countless others’ sakes, to help me with my very thoughts and actions. I hope the choices that I make are pleasing to You, as I learn to follow Your lead. I give it all to You, Lord. I pray in Jesus’ name. Amen.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
6:00 AM This morning I woke up very tired, but my mood was stable and my spirit was lifted. I felt better yesterday than I had the day before. I came home from working 12 and I told Dee that I have been thinking about paying $100.00 a week instead of $75.00. She asked me why and I told her that I think it would be better. She said that she would apply the extra toward rent and I told her to apply it toward whatever she wants to and that I would still buy food that I like most. I also told her that if she can get me some Internet in my apartment, I would pay an additional $20.00 a month.
I think the decision to pay more each week was the right thing to do. I feel like the dissention between us is lifted, at least for now. I think God led me to pay more because I am able to and because Dee has a lot of bills. I didn’t ask Dee to help support me when I asked her if I could rent a room from her. I want to pay my full way here. When I seen that the room is much more like a private apartment I was well pleased. This decision is better for both of us.
Lord, I pray in Jesus’ name. I ask that You keep me in Your hands and that You sustain me in all good things. It is so important to me that I keep my focus on Your will and that I don’t stray from You. You protect me from my own destructive nature and will. I am being transformed. Every sense Shelah gave me this notebook computer I have been able to listen to the audio Bible while I sleep every night. I have been able to write in my journal more consistently. I have been able to write the chapter-by-chapter commentary easier. I am grateful for all that You have blessed me with. Thank You for forgiving me of my sins. Thank You for loving me. I pray in Jesus’ name. Amen.
6:49 PM One of the things I am praying about is lust. I don’t want to lust for a woman, especially a beautiful one. The thing is, I want to learn how to love a woman without the sinful aspect of lust clouding my walk and my choices. I want to have a healthy relationship for the first time in my life.
On my way home from work today I seen a very beautiful woman. She was wearing roller blades and she was just kind of hanging out at the overpass. The area she was lingering in was secluded and she just seemed out of place. She was young, like 19 years old at the most. She certainly didn’t seem like she was headed anywhere. She was kind of riding in a large circle under the bridge. She had on very short, tight blue-jeans shorts and a shirt that came up past her belly. She had her hair up and I could see her tender and long neck.
When I passed her she smiled very innocently, but with allure that quickened my heartbeat. Immediately I wanted to talk to her. I wanted her to like me and I wanted to see her again, maybe even go out with her. I passed slowly, while keeping eye contact for as long as I could without running into the overpass wall. Just before I turned off I looked back once more to see if she was still looking at me. She was still just kind of moseying about, doing her own thing.
During the entire experience I was at war in my heart. I wanted to know what to do. I wanted to know how to handle that situation correctly. Surely there is no wrong in meeting a very beautiful woman that I can get to know, that I can go on dates with. Then I started thinking about her age, the way she was dressed, and even what was she doing there? Something was amiss. Sure, I identified my emotion was that of lust, but something wasn’t right in her, either. I began to think that maybe she was meeting someone there. Maybe she was a “working girl”.
I still don’t know if all of this is a part of my unhealthy way of seeing women, or if I was experiencing a warning of some kind. I think it’s important to analyze this kind of thing so that I can be well someday. The trouble is, how do I know when I have the right answer. I still don’t know how to behave or approach the situation, even if it is alright this time or that time.
I have little experience with dating. I don’t know how the whole thing works yet. I am almost 39 years old and I still have issues that I want to overcome, in hopes that I can be married and have children. I want all of the generation curses to be lifted in Jesus’ name and I will not marry twice. If the first time don’t work out, I have decided to be contented as an unwed man for the rest of my life. I do believe in the whole Bible and all that it teaches. I understand that there are a few exceptions written about very specific circumstances, but I don’t want any of those to be the case with me.
It’s far easier to not draw close to a woman in a relationship than it is to lose that woman. It’s better that I don’t lose sight of my faith in God and my walk. Paul wrote that it’s better for a man to remain even as he is. It’s best to not even “touch” a woman, but that it’s better to marry than to “burn”. I’m not completely sure what that means. It’s written in 1 Corinthians 7. The whole chapter is not clear to me. I do think that my answer is in that chapter.
Friday, September 17, 2010
9:17 PM I have been under a lot of stress lately and I know that it's not good. I have set boundaries for work when I started at imageMEDIA, but I have crossed them all. I need to keep my hours to 40 each week. I can work more than 40 hours some weeks, but not every week. I also need to keep my shifts to 8 hours each day. I can work more than 8 hours some days, but not more than once a week and not every week. I have to pick a day for work at church and stick with that day. I can reschedule that day once in a while, but not very often. I think my integrity is decreasing because I have fallen short of some of my commitments when I agree to work more hours at imageMEDIA. I could simplify my life and downsize what little I already have outside of work, but I am fairly certain that I would come to resent my work.
Yesterday I finished work at imageMEDIA about 6:30 PM. I was too tired to go to church, even though it was only next door to imageMEDIA. I felt like I would fall asleep during church, so I made a decision to not go. I went home. When I got home, I tried to make some repairs to my computer, but after 7 hours I did not succeed. I skipped church and I still didn't get the rest I needed. I thought I was going to work at the church today, so I stayed up last night until 1:00 AM. I slept in this morning until about 9:30 AM. imageMEDIA called me and asked me to run deliveries for them. I said yes, but I didn't know it would take 9 hours. I didn't know I would fall short on my commitment to the church work.
I know there are others who can do the work, but the work isn't done after 2 years, so I thought I could do it. When I made the commitment I didn't have much work. Now that I am committed, I don't have any time for it. The Bible says it is better not to make a vow than to make one and break it. I don't want to dismiss myself from ever committing, but I do need to learn how to keep those commitments. I need to learn how to keep my word as the highest priority, and to give my word with careful consideration. I need to think things through before I commit to something. Somehow I need to stay in line with what the Bible teaches on this matter. I should be able to offer my time or anything else without hesitation. Yet, I need to be sure it is something that is within my ability to accomplish.
This is the stress I am under. I am challenged in this area and I will overcome. I am seeking God's guidance in this matter. I have been able to abstain from drugs and alcohol during this time of pressure. I thank God for improvement in this. I don't yet see how this will work out, but I know it is healing me somehow. I need to keep up with my personal hygiene and I need to make sure that I continue to eat right. I have been missing meals because of the workload. I have been overexerting my efforts to equal the tasks set before me. I do hope that this will strengthen me instead of weaken me. This is my primary concern. I have been missing my journal entries and my daily Bible reading, too. I need to keep these things first somehow. It is very important.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
8:30 AM I woke up refreshed this morning. My mood was good and my Audio Bible was playing and working properly. I started to fix my Notebook Computer again this morning and there are many errors that I can't seem to fix. I think it's time to send this thing to the PC Doctors. I want everything to work exactly right and I don't want to mess around with any errors. Right now I can afford to have it fixed. I already spent over $200.00 trying to fix it myself, but nothing works. It's time to get professional help. I decided to discontinue my efforts this morning so that I don't get frustrated. It's time consuming and I don't want to run out of time. This could lead to anxiety. Today I am expected to go to imageMEDIA to paint. Today is the only day I can do it because the fumes are too much for the employees. I'd like to go to the beach, the library and the trail today. I hope there is enough time for all that. When I go to the trail I will record some of the scenic places for Mom. I don't have internet yet, so I will have to send the clips instead of posting on YouTube. Eventually I want to post to YouTube and integrate my YouTube with Google Earth. My computer will need to be fully repaired before all of that can be accomplished. This will be next weeks goal.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
2:00 PM Church was so good today. I did miss church on Thursday. I was there but I had just finished working and I wanted to go home and sleep. When I got home, I didn't sleep until 7 hours later. After staying up until 1 or 2 in the morning, I was going to sleep in some and go on to do the work at the church. None of that worked out the way I had planned. The work is still pending and I had learned from it. I talked to Pastor about this after church today. I wanted to ensure him that I am committed to the work at church, and that I had set some boundaries to help me keep my commitment. Pastor offered me to be the head of maintenance for the church. I agreed to pray about it. I wanted to cry in joy. It's an honor to me. It's a great opportunity to be head of maintenance at West Coast Word Church, especially knowing just how big this church is going to become. We will be well organized and thoroughly ready for this growth. I see it so clearly and in detail. I have shared this vision with John and Mary, who are among the newest of our members. They have a strong outreach anointing. This will be very significant in the coming growth.
Pastor offered to sell me a truck. It is the exact make and model that I have been believing for. This is certainly God blessing me in areas of lack. Deuteronomy 28 taught me that I don't have any lack and I can see it manifest in my life daily. In God's timing and in His way, everything in my life will be restore to perfect condition. This don't even have to be, and probably won't be the kind of wholeness and perfection that I have known it to be all my life. I am learning that this perfection is a far greater and more complete restoration than I have thought. I can see it differently now because I am born again of the water and the Spirit. It is the way of God's kingdom. That truck will open more options for me and make things better and more secure. I will not abuse it. I am in a position to receive it financially and responsibly.
I am learning in 1 Samuel that God's anointing cannot be broken by man, not even by the man who is anointed. By our own disobedience God will deal with us, but we are still not automatically broken from our anointing. To lose the anointing that God places on us, we must die. I have not seen any other method of breaking an anointing anywhere in the Bible. This means that I am still anointed in every area that God has anointed me in. I can still bring 10+ children to church. When that started, over 15 years ago, I didn't know it would become so significant. I simply invited my landlords kids to church. Before long, there was a long trail of kids following me to church. We walked, but it was only a few blocks away. This line of kids reminded me of a church bus without the bus. We would sing sometimes. We would always have fun to and from church. They would ask me periodically throughout the week if I will be bringing them to church this week.
I want to be open to that, so that if it happens I will be ready, willing and able to do it. I don't know if I should offer to substitute for a class in church while the current teacher is on maternity leave. I get so much from the messages taught by Pastor. It seems so much better to be there than to hear it on the CD. If I did substitute, I would likely grow to love it very much and not want to give it back to the teacher when she delivers her baby. I would be heartbroken, I think. This is a very responsible position to hold. Even if it was easy to let go of later, I don't know if I actually do qualify. 1 Timothy teaches that people who are in leadership must be found blameless. I am certain that I cannot smoke cigarettes. I already know for sure that I can't drink alcoholic beverages. I shouldn't drink anyway, but the Word specifically says to not put any "fruit of the vine to my lips". This means not even grape juice. What it really means is that we absolutely must live by higher standards than even the devout Christian.
I know how seriously God takes leadership. He will not just "let it slide" if I negatively influence His children, even unawares. I can say this, I can't smoke cigarettes anyway. I don't want to suffer so I haven't quit. When God delivered me from alcohol 5 years ago I didn't even notice until months later when I realized that I hadn't drank in months. From that moment on I did not suffer without alcohol. I only suffered if I drank it. I still suffer if I drink it. This is what I am hoping for about the cigarette addiction.
10:30 PM Today I have been experiencing some sort of disturbance. I felt a strong sense of fear today and I don't even know why. I know it's not God's will for me to fear anything so I simply disregarded that fear. Dee invited me to go to Am Vets to eat tacos and watch TJ perform. I told her I don't have any money and she asked me why I'm broke already. I told her I bought a computer part and I paid my tithes all at once instead of each week. She got very angry about that. She was way out of line to tell me I shouldn't be giving my money to the church. She don't understand. She can't see the way of God's kingdom because she is not born again of the water and the Spirit. I gave her $100.00 and she didn't complain about that at all. My rent is not even due until Tuesday, but I paid it early. I even volunteer to pay an extra $25.00 a week now, but all she could think to say is that I shouldn't be giving my money to the church. I told her she was out of line to tell me that. I even told her nicely, without any anger.
The Lord has helped me on so many levels and I am clearly aware of it. There are countless people in this world who are blessed by God daily and don't even realize that it is God who is helping them. I am blessed to be able to see Him in all of this. His help in my life has brought me up from zero in only 2 months time! I am even going to have a truck soon. Everything is coming together in full restoration and I know that there are very few people who can say that, especially under my circumstances. I think I am back in the "dog house" with Dee again. She cooked tonight and didn't invite me to eat any of it. This is usually one of the things she does when she's mad at me. I will not let her negatively influence my decision to walk closely with the Lord.
Tassos is very close to agreeing to come to church with me. I believe he will come next week, on Sunday. I know he will accept the Lord in his life if he is properly introduced. God is real, but to someone who don't believe, it can all look like a scam. The truth is, God don't ask for anything of me. I simply want to do something for God. As a result, He has blessed me beyond measure.
The enemy is trying to instill fear in me about my work at imageMEDIA. I think about it all the time that they have not offered me permanent work and I won't ask for it, either. I will give them my greatest effort, even some sacrifice of my time and effort because I do appreciate them. I want to get that truck and insurance as soon as possible because if they run out of work for me I will need the transportation for some other job. I have Shade Air Conditioning as a prospective employment. I will need the truck for that. I want to work for imageMEDIA, so I have been holding out just in case they invite me to be an employee. If they don't, at least they did help me start over again. They gave me plenty enough work to have a good start. I think it will all work out well somehow, so I try to not worry. So what if Dee don't offer me any food, even though I pay for some of it. I knew it might happen this way sometimes, but I still think I done the right thing when I offered her more money each week.
Tuesday the internet company is going to come and set us all up with wireless internet. I have to pay for the install and the extra $30.00 each month. Dee ordered an upgrade for the bandwidth. It's not a bad choice, but the cost is not fair. I am willing to pay it because I really think I need it. I do think other companies are just as good and charge a lot less. Anyway, my primary focus will be getting that truck and insurance. It will enable me to use less travel time and it will open me up to more opportunities. I will not abuse it. I have made a decision to dedicate Saturday each week to work at the church. I think I will accept Pastor's offer to be the head of maintenance.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
6:30 AM This morning something strange happened to me. I woke up just now, which is weird because I am usually awake at 4:30 AM, but I slept in two extra hours. The strange thing is, I got up and was up for a full 5 minutes I was thinking it was Sunday. I even thought about how the service was going to be at church. I really felt good, like on a Sunday morning. I don't think that has happened to me sense I was a child.
I was up until midnight last night. I was trying different things to install Windows XP, or repair this one. As before, nothing had worked. This time I lost my sound driver, so I made an audio CD so I can still listen to the Bible while I sleep. I can re-download all the driver files and install them as needed. I will be able to do that any time I am home when the Tech. comes today to install wireless Internet.
I gotta go see Leo at the computer store when the Tech. finishes. I gotta buy a new hard drive for this Notebook PC. I know I can probable erase this one and install Windows XP back onto it, but I want hard drive that has a little bit more storage capacity. I bought a Windows 7 package a couple of weeks ago. I need a 6 gig. hard drive or larger in order to install it. I want a 10 gig. hard drive, or no bigger than 50 gig.; that's what I need from Leo.
I went in to brew a pot of coffee and I found a plate in the refrigerator with my name on it. Dee left a plate of food for me. She might not be angry with me any more. Her and Valerie were arguing again last night. It sounded like a heated one. I do stay out of the way when they get to yelling at each other. I don't like it at all. I don't want to hear it, especially some of the things Valerie says when she yells at her mom.
